Bunk Beds and the slip through portal theory

Found this online and it's perfect for this blog's description. 

We've all seen them on AMFV, or You Tube of bunk beds breaking when someone gets on them - scary.  I'm just hoping those were cheaply made and or seriously old for that to happen.  But there is also a hidden danger in Bunks that most parents don't care to find out or don't know that it even exists.  Openings.  Spaces.  The portholes of the bunks beyond.  Bad rendition of a kids movie line.  

Our Standard line - $395 as shown

There are codes that bunk manufacturers have to abide by.  There is a magic number that the opening space can not be any wider than or less then.  There are also magic numbers per square inch for weight.  I won't talk about those because I don't build anything out of 3/4" press board covered in veneer.  Seriously, no one should ever buy a bunk that is made of wood that is less than in inch in thickness anyway - unless it's made out of Brazilian or Purple Heart Mahogany and if you can afford that, you might as well purchase that very big diamond or 300" TV for yourself.  

Custom made (Finish and build)

Our twin/full mission style $800.00 as shown

On to those numbers.  I am not telling you.  But I can say this.  The codes are worse to read than any tax instructional booklet from the IRS.  The opening space can't be any more than this but has to be less than this and no wider than this unless it is smaller than this.  (paraphrasing)  After having it translated into a basic and common language most people can understand - we have been building our bunks the same way since the get go.  The rule of thumb is this.  The spacing should not be big enough to get a normal childs head through - this also means a leg.  If the space can fit such an appendage - there better be enough room to get a normal childs entire body through.  Most people use the normal measurements based on their own child.  We go smaller - based on a toddler.  The government provides the common sense measurements (which sometimes don't make any sense) and are based on things that have happened.  That is why there are so many recalls on children's furniture.  Anything and everything eventually does happen and therefore they change things up a little to prevent it again.  For example guard rails.  You should never ever buy a bunk that doesn't have them.  They are the probably the first thing the government made mandatory.  They are there to prevent whomever is sleeping on top from rolling out of bed while sleeping.  No amount of guard rails can prevent anyone from falling off a bunk if they are using the top bunk as a freebasing jumping platform, or as a trampoline or if the child decides that he or she can swing on the ceiling fan blades.  Why would you have a ceiling fan so close the top bunk anyway - that's an ER visit waiting to happen!!!!  Think of helicopter rotors slashing along the forehead.  This is also why the government says no one under the age of 5 should sleep on top. Some kids don't think of danger.    As a mom myself, I know that one of my kids didn't know what danger was till much later.  Every child is different though and so the government chose the magic number of 5 years old for top bunk usage.  Just because it says 5, you should know your own child well enough to know if it will work.  This is another reason why I refuse to build toddler bunk beds.  No matter how much of an angel your child is, anything and everything usually does happen.  That and Toddler bunks are very top heavy, narrow and if you have one..please I beg you to anchor it to the wall. 

Plank loft with two desks and single frame bed.
Two rooms of Furniture in this one ensemble.  

I have seen some local builders advertising on Craigslist in many different states that charge around the same as we do and what they build is A).  Non compliant and B).  An accident waiting to happen and C). I wouldn't put my Chihuahua on the top bunk.   Here is a good rule of thumb that is based on common sense when shopping for a bunk bed for your kids.  If YOU (not your kid) can comfortably climb up, flop into bed and you feel confident - buy it.  If you are slightly worried it can't hold your weight - don't buy it.  All bunks and lofts have a little bit of wobble.  If the frame wobbles more than 1/4 inch or give either way - walk away.  Look at the weight limits on store bought bunks.  Most of them say 160 lbs on the top bunk.  How much does your child weigh?  How much does your childs mattress weigh?  How much does the flat support weigh? Subtract all of that from 160lbs and that is how much you can allow your child to grow before you have to purchase a whole new bed.  

The bolts and or screws;  This is what pisses me off the most.  I guess the government is waiting for some sort of bunk bed Apocalypse.  If you have a bunk that is held together with common screws - burn it.  Take it down and burn it.  If you have a bunk that is held together with thicker screws that are angled in and hidden (Pocket's)- burn those.  If you have  a bunk that is held together by bolted ratchet system that is on the inside of the bed rail, burn those - although all of these are allowed, they are all very dangerous.  You need to have access to your fastenings because over time they will need to be tightened.  If you see a bunk that is held together with the old fashioned hook and eye system....seriously burn that one too. Are you going to trust something 6 foot in the air to hold up you up if the only thing holding you up are a few hooks?  Why would you want your child up there?  Would you trust yourself hanging from a ceiling on a swing with those hooks or screws or hidden pocket screws.  I know I wouldn't.

A lot of people think that to have a very sturdy and well built bunk that it has to made out of huge dimensional pieces of wood and very expensive - this is not true.   It can be I suppose if you are going for that look and like to waste money.  But a good quality affordable and sturdy bunk bed can be made to look sleek, rustic, modern and can be very beautiful.  There are tons of us woodworkers that do great jobs in making these - we take the time to learn and figure out the compliance codes -they we make them to code.   Then there are tons of wood workers that want to make money and don't think about how the build will be in a few months of use - so you might as well have paid for firewood.  Below are some great examples of bunks that are not compliant.  I pulled these off of the internet - can you point out how they are not compliant - notice some of them are all over the internet (viral) because they look great - but sadly, in my experience would end up being death traps or at least contribute to a good concussion and or broken bones.

No Guard Rails or ladder system and top heavy. (It will tip).
Accident waiting to happen on this one.  

No enough guard rails - one post? Wow!
Whats the weight limit on this one I wonder?

No Guard Rails (looks great) - 2 posts holding it up
wonder the weight limit on this one too.

No Guard rails - wood is too thin and I bet
this bed is not sturdy at all.  

Looks great - no guard rails and ladder system
is waiting to be dove off of. 

Espresso - good for the soul, not good for wood -well not the kind you are used to anyway.

http://www.target.com/p/staten-furniture-collection/-/A-13717178#prodSlot=medium_1_1

A great example of the Espresso that apparently is all the rage and very popular.  But this is not real wood.  It is a Veneer.

Veneer;

1. A thin surface layer, as of finely grained wood, glued to a base of inferior material.
2. Any of the thin layers glued together to make plywood.
3. A decorative facing, as of brick.
4. A deceptive, superficial show; a façade: a veneer of friendliness.

 Veneer is the equivalent of a Formica or laminate counter surface, only thinner,  much thinner.  Imagine Paper Mache and that little crafty session you had with your kids and the balloon - that is exactly what veneer is.  Only used with larger pieces, stronger glue and harmful chemical hardeners.


Can you make real wood look like the Espresso veneer?  Yes, sort of.

There is more involved than one coat of stain.   It takes a a few different colors and a simple little wire brush.  A dark brown is put on first, let that dry and then an even darker brown or a brown/black is put on over the dry 1st coat.  While the 2nd coat is wet, you brush it down with the wire brush.  The result is very very similar to the veneer.  You have to have a steady hand for brush strokes or it will end up looking like Edvard Munch's The Scream - which might be cool in of self. Very Artsy.

Basically you can achieve many different types of looks with this technique - like the little engraving art kits we buy our kids.  Numerous combinations, numerous design ideas  - just let your imagination go wild.

Just take a very dark opaque stain (waterstain's work best) and go over what you did on the wood and then you can brush, scratch, scrape, or engrave what you want and the bottom color rises to the surface really well. Make sure you do small areas first until you are sure to of the drying time for that second coat.  Nothing like doing the entire table top and by the time you make it to the last corner - it's already dry.  On that note, some of the water-stains dry really fast.  Basically it is the equivalent of tempera paints for kids, only for wood.  So seriously keep that in mind when using this technique. 

This is a sample that I have done for a few customers on my version of the infamous Espresso Veneer.  I aptly call this  - Espresso, real Espresso.  And why shouldn't I, I drink enough of the get up and giddy go nectar in fact I am craving a Vietnamese coffee at the moment.  I think I'll make one.   

The (Superficial) Namedropping Game - You're Such a Poser!

Namedropping is a common practice in many different fields.  There is no doubt that it can benefit the products sales, designers pocket and ultimately the bottom line. When it comes to a small business however, I personally feel it makes that brand or that company look very desperate for recognition for something that may not be there. Making you look better than you are, sort of.

Name-dropping is defined as –

The studied but seemingly casual mention

 of prominent persons as associates done to impress others - Merriam Webster

Me for example - I do not boast, brag or namedrop.  Regardless of just how "big" the person is. Trust me, living and working the Los Angeles area, I have made beds for small time and big time actors, musicians, comedians, designers and directors all the way up to the "oober goober" award winning celebrities.  I have met each and every one of them. I have been in their homes.  I have made beds for their kids.  I have let their kids help build the bed when we deliver it.  (The kids really like pulling the trigger on the drill). These customers invited me into their homes and guess what, they like to live a normal life and honestly, they REALLY are down to earth.   Ironically - I just tooted my own horn in this paragraph, didn't I. Oops, my bad.

Poser is explained as - 

is one who poses or habitually pretends to be something they are not. 

Maybe it is my own personal code that I have, I am not sure.  Maybe it is because I was raised by a "celebrity of sorts" and understood real fast, those friends that wanted to be my friend for notoriety and those that were real friends.  Trust me, when you are 13 and think you are all that, your world comes crashing down when you realize the only reason you were invited to a party was to please your parents.  This does no do good for the confidence or for your soul at all.   But after salvaging what self respect that I had - I learned and vowed that I wouldn't do the same thing to others - no matter my gain from it.  It's using people. It is wrong and I personally feel it makes you look, simply put, like a pompous ass.

My little don't namedrop policy - has actually gained me more business.  Seriously, I would rather have a customer come to me because I was recommended to them (within their own little circle) than have someone come to me to be able to purchase exactly what so and so has in their bedroom - that's just creepy.  All my customers, when I first talk to them are treated the same - I have no idea who this person is.  Sometimes the emails don't even ring a bell - but when I meet them, each and every customer (oober goober or your local janitor) gets the same handshake and same "it's a pleasure to meet you, where are we bringing your bed?".  It is an unspoken code between my customers and myself - I don't know who they are (and sometimes I do) and they know I won't say anything at all to other people or tag them in on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook with pics of the beds. That's just rude and presumptuous - if they want to tag me in to their own tweets and posts, though - I welcome that.  But I will never ask for, or expect it.

What I find entertaining - is that some of my pictures on my website are from the "celebrities" houses.  Like Andy Kaufman, sometimes I am the only one in on a joke.  But hey - I laugh.  Yes that was a namedropping line, but since the late great Mr. Kaufman is supposedly dead, and i was referencing his comedic philosophy - it in no way enhances my beds.  No, I have not met him or sold anything to him.  He is supposedly dead.  That would be creepy if I had and even if I did, I wouldn't tell.

I will say this though - If I ever meet James Hetfield from Metallica or Brian Urlacher, I don't think I would be calm and composed.  All bets are off.  I really think i would revert back to my teen age years and be freakishly excited and scary looking - like my daughter is with her band fav's. (That is a whole other blog post in the making and waiting to be written, "dealing with a teenage girl and her stalking tendencies"). I wouldn't mean to cause them harm, but my big bear hug may be misinterpreted as a tackle.  Urlacher would be ok with that I think, I hope.

What is good for my night stand is good for my heels! - Wait, what?

Making my Paste-wax

The finish you have on your wood furniture is important.  If it wasn't important there wouldn't be codes, protocols and such that all manufacturers have to abide by. With all this being said, many companies go for the quick "good" look over the withstanding time "good" look.

Polyurethane is a favorite among wood workers.  It seals, protects and has a nice sheen.  But it stinks - you need scuba gear to slap it on.  Polycrylic, the water-based version of Polyurethane it is the same thing only it's water-based and easier to clean up if you spill it.  But it still stinks and that stuff stings my eyes when I use it.  But in all fairness - it does put a nice hard-shell protective coat over the wood.  If you can stomach it, I do recommend any of the poly's for your Kitchen table only.  Why?  Because that conference table, judges desk, home-work center, flat top vet office, makeshift butcher block, family epi-center and grocery inventory collection bin is the one piece of furniture in your house that is used more than your toilet.  Think about that.  How many times a day do you wipe your kitchen table down and clean it, scrubbing it if you have little kids.  Yes you want something that can withstand that amount of torture on a daily basis - even then, over time it will have to be stripped and re-coated before the wood is ruined.

Ripped from Getty / Images of babies chewing on cribs Bing Search. 

Now on to other wooden pieces of furniture in your home.  Your bed, end tables, coffee table, nightstands, dressers etc.  Do they receive the same amount of abuse as your kitchen table?  I didn't think so - so why put a known cancer causing chemical on them to protect them.   Granted once all things bad are dry (except lead paint, lead is bad), they are no longer harmful hence the reason why the government has strict protocols on finishes for cribs and toddler beds - those little booger factories, tend to chew on everything.  Yes even the cutest little 15 month old will try and gnaw their way out of the crib.  They are like hamsters - chew, run, chew, eat, sleep.

But the cute little hamsters are not the reason why I use a non-toxic home made wax on my furniture.  I use it for three main reasons -

1. Using it saves my lungs while applying it (on this note it does not stink, so there is no "gassing" out for my customers - it is made of natural ingredients)  
2. Saves the planet just a little - as I am throwing away my wash clothes that have the paste wax on it  (back to the natural ingredients) 
3. It is hypo-allergenic and really does feel just as good if not better than the commercial brands that are riddled with chemicals.   (hypo-allergenic because I can make it out of any oils) 

Cooled down and hardened 

The paste wax I use, is made of your standard cooking oils in different variations, blends and measurements and beeswax.  That's it.  Nothing else.  The process that I use, the oil and wax dries completely and seals in the wood.  The oils are penetrated into the wood, the wax protects the wood and the feel of it - is well, heavenly.  Smooth, buttery, not greasy, shinny (or not so shinny depending on your elbow grease) - I love my paste wax.   I use my paste wax on my heels, my elbows, my lips and my hands - and it works wonders there too.  I  have not and will not cook with it, because frankly the idea of a waxy meal is not my thing.  But I bet it would coat some pretty gnarly food for a Halloween display.

Queen Hugger with my paste wax
for a natural finish. 

Sexy Heels

My paste-wax does withstand the occasional scrubbing, cleaning and spill.  It is even good for those pesky cold sweaty soda can's left on the wood now and then. Like all wood furniture, it has to be cared for - mild soap and water works the best and stay away from other chemicals that add a wax to the cleaning power.  I always recommend diluted Murphy's Oil soap or just a 1:10 ration of baby shampoo or wash and water - damp your rag and wipe down. The best thing about my paste-wax, it's non-toxic, Eco-Friendly, Green, and better for everyone; my customers, their kids and pets, the planet and myself.

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